Melania Trump, Astrosplained



So if you’re like me, you might be wondering what makes America’s new first lady tick, especially after she went nuclear on some autistic blogger like myself who dared to ask the same question I’ve had since the first time I saw Barron Trump.  Sorry, the kid shows up on the autistic version of gaydar.

Personally I disagree that saying someone might be autistic is more offensive than saying, for example, that they may be nearsighted or allergic to peanuts.  After reviewing her chart, I totally get it.

With deeper reflection upon this chart, my opinion of Melania has done a 180.  So I feel like I should be ashamed of trolling the hell out of her on Twitter, but I’m still not, even after developing an enormous amount of respect for her. Also, do you know how to tell the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?  Donald Trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.  Yeah, I still don’t feel bad about laughing at that, either.

But more importantly, fuck me, I was only 100% wrong to dismiss her.  She’s the most influential person on Earth right now — breathe that in.  She’s the new Dick Cheney, the president’s taskmaster and thus in a way his ventriloquist even more than Ivanka/Pompadour.

Melania is the eye of his hurricane.  Melania is an ambition and self-discipline machine in a way neither the Donald nor Ivanka can imagine, and can hustle like she invented the 1970s.  I know the Republicans think they have hit the Useful Idiot Jackpot, but let me tell you they have miscalculated her and could end up finding some shit out.  Riding a tiger is all fun and games until it’s time to dismount, and Melania’s holding the reins even while they’re still on board.

I now believe that he actually took the whip away from Ivanka and handed it to Melania before the wedding.  This is why she will succeed where the others failed.  Melania IS the whip hand.  The fact that she is now the Donald’s alpha, IMHO, is the greatest and most terrifying gift America has ever received.

(I imagine Slovenia sending us a bronze to put next to the Statue of Liberty, cast from that one picture of Melania lying on a fur, handcuffed to a briefcase, wearing only diamonds.  Sad.)

The flag picture above perfectly depicts this chart.  This is a woman who believes she’s doing the best of everything a favor by having it.  She was born to show oligarchs how silly they look when they try to garch after watching her do it.  So save the Trump steaks for the Russian hookers.  Melania brushes her teeth with champagne, and stays slim on only the finest imported moose and squirrel.

An ordinary Taurus woman may be bourgeois and want nothing more than to rest in her nest doing online retail therapy. Melania has that on steroids, thanks to the relationship between her Saturn, Moon, and Taurus.  Her idea of Prince Charming is the one who puts her in Versailles in the sky. She is like an old-fashioned queen, who marries strategically and stands in front of whatever flag flies over that palace, period.  No-brainer.

If Melania were People Magazine, the Donald would authentically be Matthew McConnaughey.  I can comfortably say this without even doing a synastry, or relationship analysis chart, just based on Melania’s chart and what we all know.

Melania’s Moon is in the first decan of Capricorn (Saturn), so emotionally she’s insanely determined, one who will fight on in the very jaws of death.  Saturn and Venus are the big players in this chart, and that combination is epitomized below:


We see Venus, obviously lovely to behold.  And Saturn, the iron fist beneath that velvet glove, which could clearly gut you like a trout even while smiling.  I believe she is equal parts emotional and controlled.  A run-of-the-mill Capricorn Moon can be a bit of an ice queen.  Melania-size that, and there you go.  Not that she doesn’t feel deeply, but she is unflappable, and when threatened, makes Putin look Canadian.

The Capricorn Moon is what gives her the ability to not only know when she’s the third wheel — like when that one reporter said she was interviewing him over dinner, then Melania toddled off and Trump moved on her like a bitch — but be fine with it.  That possibly doesn’t feel any different to her than walking away from the dishes.  She may not care who he has doing which chores any more than Madame Pompadour’s boyfriend’s wife did.

With her Ceres (the Earth Mother) in Aries conjunct both her “spouse” and “wounded healer” asteroids, we see the attack mom who went after the well-meaning autistic blogger with an artillery strike.  (PS if you are Melania Trump please do sue the shit out of me regarding your autistic son #FuckYou)  Taurus, the predominant sign in her chart, is like a bull lying in its meadow eating flowers.  He’s lazy and self-indulgent, and will stay in that mode for as long as possible.  So if you come over that fence you will get the horns, for invading his privacy but also for waking his lazy ass up and making him deal with you.

Especially with her hardcore Saturn also in Taurus, Melania does not take prisoners.  She shoots to kill. My sense is that she’s entirely loyal to the Donald, and will be even if replaced by a younger model. I say “if,” because although history would suggest a lease option, after seeing this chart I don’t believe she will be.  I get that she actually has the Donald whipped.

I believe Melania has the Donald whipped.  I said it again because truthfully that’s only 10 times more impressive than Pamela Anderson going down on that thing you can drive a boat with IMHO.   I had never imagined either of those things were even possible, or that any woman could amaze me more than Pamela Anderson in that particularly Venusian way.  Pam not only knocked out that boat situation, but kept up with a coke-crazed man 12 inches taller than herself as he sprinted across LA, while wearing giant stripper shoes — and looked more fucking amazing than Melania ever will.  Not to mention VIP OR Barb Wire, both of which slayed so much more than either Melania’s “handcuffed to a briefcase” thing or the one where she was fingering herself in the shower.  But I digress.

I never imagined myself saying this, but I actually kind of love Melania and Donald both after seeing this chart.  I still don’t feel bad about the moose and squirrel jokes, but she’s fine with her “mail order Eva Braun” pictures, too.

I am a little bit freaked out, honestly, by how much influence she literally holds in the world.  Think about it:  this woman is Donald Trump’s taskmaster.  Nobody else on this fucking planet can get that guy’s attention the way she can, including Ivanka/Pompadour, which I further argue below.

This is a woman who always has her eyes on the prize and collects to the penny.  Melania understood immediately that she was definitely holding much less than the proverbial half of the money,  1/2 or less of the pussy , and 1/5th of the children.  She’s way too linear to not work the over/under on that automatically.  Plus by that time he already had a divorce lawyer on retainer, with boilerplate language from his own previous prenups and divorces, plug and play.

In light of Melania’s superpower-type ability to hose things down with ice like a couture Zamboni, with respect to the aforementioned autistic blogger, it’s important to look at Chiron, the wounded healer.  That asteroid is conjoined with Juno, representing the spouse that she is, and Ceres, the mother who charged into hell to rescue Persephone from Pluto.  In short, there’s a wound that will never heal in everyone’s life, and hers is right there.

Because of her overall “eyes on the prize” old-school oligarch disposition, the idea of an imperfect male heir would be completely unacceptable.  If this were the Dark Ages, and he came out with anything obviously “wrong,” she has the astrological factors one would need to kill him herself with a song in her heart.  So she has that bit of reality regarding who she is bumping up against her actual son, the Donald’s autistic-looking heir, right on the psychological corner of Attack Mom and Dethroning the Queen of France — bloggers beware.  (#FuckOffBackToSloveniaIfItsAProblem)

Melania got that prenup where it needed to be for her, I guarantee, before she signed.  For the record, again, I don’t believe it will ever come down to that.  I now get that their relationship is authentic AF.  Trump finally found the woman who could pin him to the mat on the prenup.

So Lisa Douglas she is not, and thus Green Acres she will not occupy.  Melania doesn’t pretend to be allergic to hay.  Fuck that amateur game.  She has got the POTUS not living at the White House, because bitches don’t look like that by accident.  Again, I am humbled by the extreme below-radar greatness of her.

I believe she truly does love him.  Her idea of love is long-term and upward, and he does provide that for her. Protection and provision are her idea of romance, the opposite of puppy love.

I began writing this not a huge fan of the Trumps, and I’m still not.  But I didn’t start out to criticize her, I wanted to understand her.  I was successful on that.  I wanted to feel bad about trolling the fuck out of her on Twitter, but that’s taking longer.  Importantly, this chart showed me right away that she is exactly who she needs to be in this big drama we’re all playing out.

She is the perfect wife for him.  Her Capricorn Moon keeps her on an even keel.  The world could be exploding in her head, but she will look exactly the way she always looks.  Now that I realize self-restraint is her superpower, it all makes sense.  In her own way she keeps his crazy ass on her task, I have no doubt.  She truly finds him just as beautiful as he finds her, sincerely.  She doesn’t have money goggles in the same way the others did.  Her eyes are money-goggle shaped.  Her brain doesn’t register regular guys.

Melania has the Sun opposite Jupiter, which can lead to her being prone to excess and glossing over small details.  She probably does not find the Donald larger than life, she finds him correctly sized (hands notwithstanding).

She also has Neptune opposite Mercury, Venus, and Mars.  That means she has a pronounced talent for turning a blind eye to anything and everything that doesn’t suit her long-term vision, especially with respect to male-female relations and her personal thoughts about them.  This woman can see the eagles on the brass buttons of the emperor’s new clothes.

Combine that with the fact that he actually IS sexy to her, that he is the guy that sexiness looks like to her, plus he has done better than get her the Hope Diamond, and it’s not beer or money goggles, it’s true love.  That plus the above paragraph make her his holy grail. That woman who no one has ever seen sweat, with that face, that everything, and a cherry on top of a wonky moral compass, really is in love with him for himself.

There is an escapism to the sort of Neptune Melania has that often plays out as drug and alcohol addiction.  Based on the laser focus and extreme self-discipline I see in this chart, my guess is she doesn’t need and would actually dislike feeling drunk or high – though if she did have an addiction, no one would ever know it.  Based on this chart, Melania could be a medical miracle of high-functioning alcoholism, and she would look exactly the way she always does.  I sense it as more of a psychic escape hatch, long and frequent dips in Denial. (Get it?  De Nile?)

Her heavy  Saturn and Moon keep Melania focused on long-term security to the point where she can use her rose-colored Neptune to roll over and not only be okay with what she sees, but in love with it.  (If that isn’t a superpower, seriously, what is?)  She’s the taskmaster of that family, and he delivers what she demands. That’s what she wants, and that’s why she loves him. I totally get her now.

Interestingly, I note that in her earlier pictures she didn’t have the iconic scowl or the perennial pre-duckface.  My sense is that she caught and then whipped him by mirroring.  She wasn’t beer-goggle-faking it.  These two truly are perfect for each other.  He looks at her and sees himself.  That’s what she’s there for, in every sense of the phrase.  I don’t think the squinty glare was so much deliberate, even though Kim K has made it tres chic.  My sense is that Melania did this naturally and automatically for the same reason she started semi-duckfacing – that’s how he looks.  They both feel like accurate reflections of each other, and they are.

trump-scowlMelania Trump

Lastly, since she’s pending FLOTUS, I feel like Juno “the wife” is key to understanding her role in my world. Here’s the Kozminsky symbol for Melania’s Juno at 27 Pisces:

27º Pisces: A horse running with flames issuing from his nostrils.
Denotes one who has special work to do and whose name will be associated with important projects. His nature is passionate, quickly receiving and recording spiritual impressions. The disposition is kindly. He is well disposed, and his sense of justice is strong. It is a symbol of Directing.

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