Letters To My Countrymen


Dear County Library,

I love this library, that’s why I come here all the time.  I can’t come when it snows, though, because the snow plow guys displace the snow into the disabled spots.  Not Mr. Willey, he’s the greatest.  He would never do something like that.  It’s the commercial guys who plow every parking lot in town.

Dear aging asshat with ridiculously expensive car,

Yes, that car is really an eye-catcher!   I’m sure it makes people want to have sex with you all the time.  Thanks for making sure to keep it in the only disabled spot, right by the road where I could get a great look at it. You looked surprised and disappointed when I didn’t take my panties off or even smile at you after driving around to the back and then hobbling to the front door past your awesome car.  Not that my basement wasn’t flooded, just that it’s pretty hard for me to get my panties off even with a bench to sit on. The cane wouldn’t be enough to keep me from falling down on the sidewalk.

Dear millennial in the yoga pants at Walmart,

That parking lot was a zoo, wasn’t it? I know. I had already circled the lot twice before I saw the disabled spot that you pulled into right in front of me. I saw that you were alone in the vehicle. I saw you take my spot, throw that placard up, and literally run into Walmart.

Dear young couple at the grocery store,

You can occasionally find a disabled spot at the grocery store when the rest of the lot is packed. The fact that your grandmother’s knee surgery has been completely healed for months and she’s not even with you right now is irrelevant — you still have an in-date placard.  For the next ten seconds, that spot is wide open.  Step on it, dummy!

Dear people who are refilling their water at the grocery store,

Yes, I know that both of the spots by the water machine have wheelchairs painted on them. However, if you do need to fill those bottles, and there are no disabled people around waiting to park, then it’s disabled OR bottle-filling, by federal law.  See, Disabled v. Yoga Pants Gonna Be Right Quick, (Fed. R. Civ. P.)

Dear guy who parked his bicycle in the middle of the disabled spot,

What is there to say?

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