Louise Linton, Astrosplained

Full disclosure: I am not a fan of the Mnooch.    I was not planning to Astrosplain him, because frankly his chart is super predictable and boring, a la Don Jr..  However, like a jar of mayonnaise sitting out in the sun, Mrs. Mnooch, Louise Linton, has attracted my attention in a way that makes me feel like I need to deal with her.  It feels like Minute 14, but her chart suggests she will stick around long enough to destroy the Mnooch’s life.

Again, I am no fan of the Mnooch, and even less one of Mrs. Mnooch, after she jumped out of her face on a woman from Portland, who noticed Linton had left all her tags on like Minnie Pearl.   (Apologies to Minnie Pearl.)  [Update:  Apparently Linton will not be invited to fashion week, and will NEVER appear in Vogue.  Anna Wintour was apparently as ghouled by that wedding dress as I was.]

minnie pearl

Come to find out Linton is from Scotland, where her family owns a castle.   I am even less a fan of the disrespectful foreign trophy does that come along with this pack of kleptocratic nationalists.  So, full and extreme disclosure,  I am not here to praise Caesar’s sugar baby.

Promise I won’t go on too much about it, but just for fun before we do the actual astrology let’s look at the wedding picture again.  I don’t gloat very often, don’t judge me for one paragraph.

louise linton

Okay, after meditating I walked my snark on the wedding picture back, deleted my gloating.   I don’t have to be so mean about it.  The above picture is actually a perfect reflection of this chart.  On the one hand, she is being married by the Vice President with the President acting as best man, it looks like.   The Mnooch is richer than she is, plus now we all know her name.  So this should be the ultimate win, right?  Well, of the six people in the above picture, two are not showing any teeth.

While everything looks absolutely perfect on the surface, she looks miserable.  Linton doesn’t have the same old-school oligarch rock-hard Saturn thing Melania has, and Mnooch will never be the president.  Like everything else in her life, this marriage cannot make her happy.  As a woman, I can assure you having Melania Trump in your wedding picture stealing focus so hard you almost can’t notice the President standing there, is the pit of hell.  Instead of the bride looking like a princess in the center, it looks like the three women are arranged left to right in order of attractiveness.  That is again a perfect reflection of this chart, where she is as rich and thin and blonde as she can be, and she is still only the second prettiest one with only three at her wedding.  Ouch.

Louise Linton chart

Okay, down to business.

The first thing to look at is the chart leader, the ruler of the sign housing the Sun.  Like Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway, Linton was born on a day when the Sun changed signs.  So without an actual birth time, it is hard to know for sure whether she is a Sagittarius or a Capricorn.  That is partly why I have not done the above-referenced charts.  Those two and their bowl charts simply are not worth the amount of effort it would take to properly decode them.  But Linton has risen to the top, as both the cream and the scum will do.

Anyway, in this case it doesn’t really matter, because her Jupiter and Saturn are tightly conjunct, basically acting as one, attended by two fixed stars, Vindemiatrix and Porrima.  Both of those are in Libra, ruled by Venus.  Not to get too soap-opera-incesty, but Venus is in Sagittarius, ruled by Jupiter, making Jupiter arguably the leader of the chart even with the discrepancy in the Sun sign, based on overall conditions.

This is a bucket chart, where one planet is off on its own side, acting as a fulcrum for all of the other planets.  In this case, the key planet is her Gemini Moon.  That focal point planet ends up calling the shots in a certain way, acting as at least a co-leader of the chart, just like the handle on a bucket.  In this case, I would put three planets as equal co-leaders, the Moon, Jupiter, and Saturn.  Anyway, her highlighted Moon is conjunct Al Hecka, Polaris, and Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.

Importantly, I have to say that Saturn conjunct Jupiter is a perfect recipe for a treasury secretary.  Jupiter represents the government and large institutional systems, and Saturn is the bean counter.  She has this conjunction in the same sign as Juno, the spouse, and Pluto, the devil.  Without a birth time we cannot know if they are all in the same house, or which house they are in.  They appear in the seventh house above because it is a hypothetical chart with no birth time, however it is interesting that the seventh house does represent marriage.  If Linton does have Aries rising, that whole thing would be in the seventh house and quite amazingly on the nose.

Another important point:  this chart is almost all air (Gemini, Libra) and fire (Sagittarius).  Other than that, she has Mars in an Earth sign, and outer planet Uranus in watery Scorpio.  But that is it for her emotional range.   This is by no means a deeply heartfelt or introspective woman.  No Earth signs, nothing to ground her.  Linton’s version of hell would probably be therapy, or worse yet group therapy where you have to listen to ugly people talk about their feelings.  Also Saturn adds a coldness and sourness to everything.  This is not a warm or fuzzy chart.  With her blurry emotional boundaries (impaired Moon), she on some level probably thinks of herself as the Secretary of the Treasury.  This chart is set up to allow her to be oblivious to herself.

The one soft, giving spot in this chart is Ceres, the Earth Mother, in Cancer.  She probably does have at least the idea of a doting, smothering mother in her consciousness.  But I don’t see how she would get there from here, all things considered.  I do not expect her to bake cookies, especially with the severely afflicted Moon ruling Cancer.  The Moon is where we find that crucial ability to take responsibility for our own experiences, by owning the reflections that others provide for us rather than simply projecting our feelings onto them as if they should own them.  That is what I see this native avoiding at all costs.

[4/3/18 Since I wrote this, Linton has done an apology tour of sorts.  This Washington Post article is shockingly shady.  Also Jezebel has a perfect take on why Louise will never make it on the social scene.  Importantly, in the Elle profile we learn that she has a bird feeder and wants kids of her own one day.  So I nailed it:  she found a way to bake cookies, for birds.  So there wouldn’t be any actual calories, for the children she only fantasizes about.  That’s her cerebralized maternal instinct.]

The turd in Linton’s punch bowl is that she refuses to deal with her feelings or own her subconscious life.  That keeps her from fulfilling any motherhood or nurturing ideas, at least in what I would think of as a healthy way.  Her broke-down Moon is in really bad shape, opposite her personal planets in the signs of the chart co-leaders.  Linton’s Moon also has ugly friends (trine Juno the spouse, which would otherwise be a positive thing suggesting a super homey marriage, and… Pluto, the devil.  D’OH!)  The way to turn that Pluto trine Moon thing into a superpower would be to use everything that happens as fuel for transformation, every single interaction with every individual.  The choice for this native is to either take every second of life very, very seriously, or just glance over the surface of all of them.

Just as Ayn Rand’s chart shows a disconnection from Venus, or the ability to love and be loved, Linton’s chart has disabled the Moon.   The Moon plays a central role in human life.  It cannot actually be switched off.  Nobody can stop having various moods or feeling sleepy at different times, just like the Earth can’t discontinue the tides.   You cannot just use your Mercurial thoughts in place of your gut feelings.  As I write this I imagine her cringing at the idea of having any gut at all, even enough to feel with.  But, well, no guts, no glory.  I see a chart wherein the native has taken pains to avoid opportunities to become fully self-aware.  Of course this sort of thing can go in exactly the opposite direction, as everything can.  I will keep an eye out for a noticeable trajectory change with her, for sure.

Linton basically has the wedge/bundle chart style of Ivanka and Eric Trump, but with one singleton planet over on the other side demanding constant attention — in this case, her Moon.  That forces a bundle chart native to take their energy outside of their bubble, to deal with the thing that is over on the other side.  May not be what they would prefer.  I’m being sarcastic there, I’m sure it keeps her super stroppy.

Stroppy is one of the key words here, the other one is superficial.  The Gemini Moon is automatically challenging, because the Moon is a water planet, and Gemini is an air sign.  It takes a huge amount of energy to sublimate water into steam and make it airborne.  If that is the only way your water (emotions) can flow, by turning into steam, they probably aren’t going anywhere.  In this case it’s  emotional energy, like internal fortitude or strength of will.  As always, anyone can rise to the challenge of their life.  I Astrosplain the spiritual task as I see it laid out; you may observe the individual and draw your own conclusions as to how they have used their consciousness.

Neptune conjunct Mercury could give her a certain alternative-facts lifestyle.  She may be very intuitive, with her Moon as her bucket handle.  However, I would say that even though that latent superpower is obvious, she shows zero sign of waking up to it, or effectively wielding it, any time soon.  Again, I would call her Moon severely afflicted, what with those three big oppositions.   What I see, between her chart and her public behaviors, is one who is never happy or at peace, like one of those perpetual motion birds that just goes back and forth.

Those three oppositions would tend to make her somewhat oppositional, go figure.  Importantly, it is her Sun, her conscious mind and sense of self, plus Mercury, her thoughts and communications, and Neptune, her own inner world.  All of that stuff would tend to make her uncomfortable in her own skin, especially the Sun-Moon opposition.   A Sun-Moon opposition can make it very difficult to be at peace with oneself, to feel good about the life in real time.   And Mercury is ruling the Moon here, again, because it is at 26 Gemini.

Linton’s Moon:

26º Gemini: A broken trident falling into the sea.
Denotes one who will be compelled to face Uncertain and unsettled conditions. Speculations are fatal to him, and should be avoided. He must exercise care in speech and action, and must not be misled by appearances. It is a symbol of Allurement.

The Gemini Moon can make someone emotionally restless and flighty, avoidant of heart-centered thoughts and communication.   That is a really unhappy place for the Moon to be, since the Moon is about our emotions and feelings.  Especially with the heavy Libra influence, there would be a strong drive to have everything appear perfectly perfect at all times.  Librans ordinarily hate a row, and will do anything to avoid the kind of confrontations Linton recently got into on social media.  But Venus/Libra is not the key player in this chart, the Moon is.  This all folds into that extreme discomfort within the skin, strongly conflicting drives, and an inability to manage the emotional needs.

The other thing to consider is the reflective nature of the Moon.  It has no light of its own, you know.  With her funky Neptune and Mercury in opposition to her Moon, I would expect Linton to very much project her own shortcomings onto others, blame servants for things she misplaced, etc.  She is unlikely to get that she could potentially be the source of her own continual unhappiness.

My take on it is that she is high maintenance in the extreme.   I see nothing in this chart that allows her a deep sense of self-acceptance.  There are a few darker things in this chart, including Vindemiatrix and Betelgeuse.  I’m not going into detail on that, because frankly Linton is not all that interesting at the end of the day.

A few more points to consider, the Kozminsky symbols for the co-rulers of Linton’s chart.

Linton’s Jupiter:

8º Libra: A group of people standing dejectedly outside the closed doors of a big financial institution.
Denotes one who will have need to exercise very great caution as to the safe keeping of his worldly possessions. Such a one should keep away from speculations, ventures, and crafty people, and undertake nothing of a nature involving risk. It is a symbol of Forfeiting.  [Oh, that would be so splendid.  — Artnunymiss]

Linton’s Saturn:

9º Libra: A large pair of scales. Two men quarreling behind.
Denotes one who should avoid law and disputes. Inharmony is to him a state of evil which forces him into a groove of fate and holds him in bondage. He should endeavor by the power of his soul to keep the scales even and do nothing to prejudice his peace. It is a symbol of Unevenness.


In my personal opinion, Linton appears to be a deeply basic betch, oblivious to the brassy roots over those designer clothes.  Nothing good will come to the Mnooch as a result of having brought Becky with the bony cleavage into his life.  She will bring disgrace and ruin to the Mnooch via her connection to Vindemiatrix (the Widow Maker).  Their marriage will be a complete disaster, one way or another.  All catty snark aside, this is not so much my deeply shady wish list, it is what I actually see in her chart combined with her public behaviors.   You might call it a pre-gloat.  These two truly deserve each other.





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