Letters to My Countrymen: The Guy Who Shot Malala

Dear Countrymen,

Regarding the deaths of some men who may have attacked Malala, I must send words of loving counsel.

As a Catholic, I do not approve of the taking of life.   As a firefighter I did not gloat over the death of bin Laden.  That emotional restraint wasn’t my Catholicism, though.  It’s a result of the near-death experience I had as a child.  Thinking death is funny when it happens to someone else is for those who think it won’t happen to them.

That said, my old man is in the other room yelling, “Artnunymiss, you got some Astrosplaining to do!” so here’s the chase:

  1. I have enough information to do this post, and have no idea of that guy’s name.  Will do my best to never know it, and win.
  2. Habeas corpus was nowhere in sight, thus I am not a fan.
  3. Malala is now a worldwide one-namer, like Madonna and Oprah.
  4. Her injuries have really healed well and she looks fucking amazing, and wins.

Your friend in Christ,





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