Michael Cohen, Astrosplained

As Mother Superior used to say, “Don’t make me come over there.”   The punishment was always worse if she had to come to you to deliver it.

Poor Michael Cohen, the FBI brought it to him.  The totally legit-looking guy at the golden elevator of shame in the photo above famously said he would take a bullet for Trump.   Would he really?  Literally?  Gentle reader, let’s take Michael Cohen by the hem and look at his seams.  If you’re not allergic to latex, I’d use PPE.

Michael Cohen chart

Gentle reader, you know I start with the Sun, though I often jump all around from there.  But the Sun is the center of everything in our universe, the source of our energy, the point of it all.  In Michael’s chart there is an amazing story right at the Sun, truly the first paragraph of a book you know the ending of.

Michael has the Sun early in Virgo.  He could possibly be at the tail end of Leo, because I am not working from a birth certificate here.  So for now I’m calling it Virgo, with a Mercury rulership to the chart.  It could also be still in Leo, which would make him more egotistical and less wordy.  But either way his Sun is conjunct Regulus, like Harvey Weinstein and so many others men who would be kings.  

Regulus is a fixed star of enormous magnitude, and like Aldebaran (which Michael also has contact with) carries a high-voltage energy.  It’s like a third rail in the personality, sort of.  It’s a live wire.  You can get into the fast lane with Regulus, Aldebaran, Fomalhaut, or other biggies.  But where a low-speed impact is called a fender-bender,  high-speed wrecks are seldom survivable.  This is especially so with Regulus.  Pride goeth before the fall.

The Sun is so big and so hot that it has a corona, a heat layer around it that is, well, almost as hot as the Sun.    Anything within 8 degrees of the Sun is said to be “combust,” or obscured within the Sun’s corona.  The planet’s influence still occurs in the life, because everything always factors in somehow.  But with combustion, we have a sort of skew in the native’s perspective of which they are likely unaware.  It would be sort of like fish not noticing water, though cats certainly do.

In this case Regulus, Toro the Raging Bull, and Vesta the True Believer are all combust.  That really is a micro-view of Michael Cohen’s personality IMO.  Regulus put him on a certain fast-track (as did his grand trine with kite, which I will come back to).  Then Toro is that rage or lashing out, the point at which someone snaps.   Vesta the True Believer is what the native would kill or die for.  Again, this is one who has said he would take a bullet for his boss.  That’s who he truly is inside.  On that level I will say yes, he will go down for Trump, based on this.  It isn’t about his thoughts.  It’s cooked into the sauce.  Trump is quite likely the personification of Cohen’s Regulus issues, his entitlement body double in a certain way.

Michael’s Moon is in Capricorn, like Melania’s.  Saturn rules Capricorn, and provides a coldness and sourness especially to the Moon.  But Saturn is materially focused, i.e., money and Earthly authority.  It’s not that a Capricorn Moon doesn’t feel deeply.  It’s that you’ll never see them sweat.  There is an inbuilt self-restraint and calculation.   I’m sure that like Melania and Hope Hicks, Michael is a comforting presence for Trump.  Don definitely needs a few level-headed people on speed dial.

The Moon is in her detriment when she’s in Capricorn, across from her own sign of Cancer.  Especially when ball-buster Saturn is in play, this makes someone not that easy to get close to.  In this chart the Moon is square to Saturn and Chiron.  We talk about Chiron as the Wounded Healer, which is how it looks on someone who is “doing the work” in their lives.  That influence is one of picking up the pieces and moving on, as I have recently discussed.

But for those who take the low road (not saying Michael Cohen isn’t totally classy, just in general) Chiron is about clinging to self-destructive habits, not knowing when to hit bottom.  Chiron is prominent in a lot of  conflict-driven charts, like Wayne LaPierre.  Saturn represents police officers, judges, juries, and executioners, like everyone who can tell you no.  So having Saturn conjunct Chiron adds a certain self-destructive hardness to an already cold and sour planet.  This is happening at the tail end of Pisces, where anything goes, when all the experiences of the zodiac have been had and it’s almost time to start over again at Aries.  So there’s a wild card aspect to this.  In some ways, Cohen has lived a charmed existence.  I’m sure he’s had his fun, though in general he’s not a fun-loving guy.

That Saturn/Chiron is a bit important because it is in a grand trine, that big blue triangle.  The grand trine is one for the gifted class, someone like Carter Page for whom things can flow very easily within.  There’s a certain ease or ability among the planets involved.  This can lead to laziness or entitlement, which is arguable with Carter Page.  But if you think about it, someone as loony as Carter Page got a PhD.  So on some level things were working for him and he stuck to it enough to make that happen.  I’m glad Carter doesn’t have a T-square to provide him some ambition or momentum.

Better than just a T-square, though, Michael has a proper kite.  The kite pattern can help your ideas take flight.  So I’m sure he finds the Mercurial Trump just an enormous gust of wind.  That’s pretty much how I experience him, too.  Like a giant, stinky cloud.   It’s Neptune to Saturn/Chiron and Jupiter/Mars.  Jupiter represents the government, and Trump in particular.  Trump is Mr. Jupiter himself, as I’ve described here.  He and Ivana’s children all have prominent Jupiter, as does Melania.  They’re all a bit over the top in their champagne wishes and caviar dreams.   I’m sure the Regulus Sun makes that only 100 times stronger.

The head of the kite is the conjunction of Uranus and Pluto.  Those are outer-slow moving planets that stay in the same spot for years.  So with those two, the main thing we’re looking at is how they play into the dynamics of this particular chart.  The head of the kite is an interesting place for this conjunction.  Uranus the Inventor looks at humanity from outer space, Mr. “I Gotta Be Me.”  Pluto the Devil is located in the Kuiper belt at the outer limits of our solar system, and represents the point of no return, all forms of extremism.  I think that aptly describes Michael Cohen.  His willingness to go to any length is his claim to fame.  So Michael probably has flashes of brilliance, ideas so far beyond the pale, that Trump just loved him.

Chart-ruling Mercury is 15 degrees away, giving Michael (and Farah and Mike Suckabee Flanders) an ability to compartmentalize his thoughts and words.  For me, my Mercury is combust.  So I’m wordy, and flighty, and it’s very hard for me to think of myself as anything but my thoughts.  Hard for me to feel like a mammal when I’m not in the shower.  Michael doesn’t have that.  He can change his thoughts or words when they don’t suit him.

Michael really doesn’t have very much drive or friction in his chart at all.  If not for the ugly fixed star and asteroid contacts, this guy would never be belligerent.   It’s interesting to me that Michael has Venus conjunct Mercury, because of the empowered Mercury in his chart.  Although he doesn’t do any of the things one normally thinks of as “practicing law,” like filing court appearances or conducting depositions, Michael is a self-described fixer.  That’s the Uranus and Mercury working together.  Saturn is about having an actual license to practice law.

But the Venus connection speaks to the people in his life.  Michael grew up with Felix Sater.  I’ve been wanting to Astrosplain Sater for quite a while now, but when I first heard of him I honestly didn’t want him to hunt me down and slash my face up.  That’s why I haven’t profiled any of the Russians I’ve done charts on.  They’re seriously off the deep end of violence.    Anyway Michael, as the fixer, is also the nexus of the people in Trump’s orbit.  Venus is about other people, being supported by them specifically.  So Michael can reach out and pull people in.

Venus also represents the women in one’s life, as well as other people generally.  The other two key women to look at are Ceres the Earth Mother and Juno the Spouse.  Michael has Juno all by herself in Cancer, suggesting a compartmentalization between his home and outer lives.   His wife is his safe space, his oasis in the storm.  Then his Ceres is a bit dicey.  Cohen has Ceres conjunct the notorious Mintaka.   That is in Gemini, ruled by Mercury, which rules his entire chart.  That suggests a supportive or doting mother who got him.  Gemini is not so much one to dote, but based on the chart rulership and the extra strength of the Mintaka connection this is my sense.  Michael was very much influenced by his mother, she made him who he is now.

I also note that the Mintaka connection speaks to the Soviet Union, in terms of the repression, lack of human rights, etc.  Obviously ancient Orion was much worse than anything we’ve had on Earth.  But it’s one of those things like vomit, where the smallest whiff definitely has an effect on you.  If I’m not mistaken Michael’s parents were born in the Soviet Union.  I know it wasn’t the best place to be Jewish.  So I can imagine his mother having a certain sensitivity to the forces of organized oppression, and apply that to her mothering.

What really popped out at me on that note, was that Cohen has Pallas the Field Marshal opposite Seginus.  Seginus the Guard is a smaller fixed star, very remote and slow-moving.  So to have a contact with Seginus a planet (or point or body) needs to be within 1.4 degrees, or right on top of it.  Cohen has Pallas directly across from Seginus.  This reminds me of Hope Hicks, who has Pallas Athena on her psychic bull’s eye in opposition to major chart factors.  Trump has Jupiter conjunct Seginus, which portends ruin through association.  I expect everyone on the Trump train to be tarred with the same stinky, indelible brush.

Pallas is the one who identifies patterns and creates strategies.  She has a hypermasculine quality, and can be seen as an aggravating factor in an overly macho chart.  I would call this a semi-macho chart.  Again, if not for the fixed star and asteroid connections, there would be very little drive in this chart.    So Michael is not one to put a lot of elbow grease into it, a “work smarter, not harder” guy with a Mercurial focus.

The combination of Saturn and Mercury makes perfect sense in terms of Cohen’s taxi license ownership.  Mercury the messenger is all about getting around.  Saturn is all about licensure and authority.  Owning the license that other people work under is definitely up Saturn’s alley, and thus suits his Capricorn Moon.

Importantly while we’re determining how macho the chart may or may not be, Michael has Nessus the Wife Beater on Aldebaran, the Royal Star of the Archangel Michael.  This automatically puts him on the Aldebaran/Antares axis of leadership versus toxic masculinity.  Nessus is himself archetypally aligned with Antares, fitting perfectly in with Antares’ (anti-Ares or anti-Mars)  mission.  It’s possible that Cohen is here on Earth cleaning up toxic masculinity through his Nessus on Aldebaran, his repentance of his own abuses.  I’ll keep an eye out on that just in case that’s his deal.

More likely is that Michael has been playing with spiritual matches ever since he met Donald Trump.  Because of the grand trine and kite he has gotten away with it thus far.   Michael has Neptune square Venus and the chart-ruling Mercury.  So that Neptune weakness suggests that he may cave after all.  He doesn’t have the integrity to withstand the onslaught.  If you think about integrity in terms of structural integrity, like a bridge, that is about the ability to carry a load.  In this case I believe it will mean that there’s nothing Michael can do about it.  They’ve got him.  They’re going to crush him.  And they’re going to show him that Trump is already done, with or without him.  And he’s going to save himself, because living vicariously through Trump won’t seem so appealing when the weather changes.




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