I normally make a lot of smart aleck jokes. This will be a little different. Today I’m talking about a survivor of the Cleveland kidnappings, Michelle Knight.
I usually want to unwrap the minds of the worst people, because of the extreme amount of abuse I have experienced. I have only recently come out as a child trafficking survivor. So while I’ve been dealing with it since 1972, talking about it publicly, sharing my process with the world, is really new. The extent of my mental health issues may or may not be evident to readers of this blog. But PTSD is my primary disabling condition, resulting from childhood trauma.
I’m doing a full analysis of this lady’s chart. However I’m doing it in relation to myself, my own story, because she has been such an enormous inspiration for me. When looking at someone with a known history of abuse, I like to take what I know of the behaviors and find them in the chart. I like to know what makes people do the things they do.
Anyway this one isn’t as direct as the other Astrosplains, and I’m talking about myself, too. So here’s the quick and dirty, if you just want to understand the greatness of Michelle Knight, aka Lily Rose Lee.
SYNOPSIS: Michelle/Lily has a very strong, very stubborn, very loving Sun. All of her personal planets but the Moon are within the Sun’s corona. This woman knows exactly who she is, much more than many others ever will (including me, which is why I’m so inspired). This is a very strong Venus/Sun chart. Very loving and very clear on the reason for living, the worth of her own personal mission on Earth, and importantly, herself as a woman.
A Sun blazing like this is almost always an enormous butt of a person. But Michelle/Lily was tempered in a raging fire for ten long years, and only the shining steel remains. This is an amazing woman, and one who has used her afflictions as launching pads. She is back from hell, both literally and figuratively. She’s the only one of the three that no one was looking for.
She also has a very strong Neptune/Moon conjunction, which is in support of her Sun/Venus complex. Dejanira the Beaten Woman is right there in the conjunction, showing that all of the victimization she experienced, from her birth right until the police breached the door, was part of her arrangement with the divine, to create experiences that would test her understanding of her own worth. And she won.
With all that Taurus she’s incredibly stubborn. She was treated so much worse than the others because she’s so much stronger. She’s the one who would not break. While Amanda is the one who actually escaped the house, Michelle is the one who broke his spirit. She did that by plumbing the depths of her Neptune, and using her awareness of her own divinity.
Importantly Michelle/Lily has Nessus the Abuser conjunct Ceres the Earth Mother. Her own mother was a domestic abuser towards her, in other words. My sense of the mother is a histrionic narcissist, whose need for male approval was always Priority 1 (like my mother, for full disclosure of potential bias).
Her abuser has Nessus conjunct Algol, the Blinking Demon. As discussed elsewhere in this blog, Algol is about the concept of Pandora’s Box, taking the lid off of some topic. In his case, sexual/domestic violence. I expected to see much more Pluto in his chart. His chart is marked by the Nessus/Algol issue, with Mars and the Moon at T-square apices, causing lifelong extreme internal friction, sexual and rage issues triggered by moods. Impregnating a captive woman and then beating her into miscarriage is extreme Nessus, and he did this multiple times. When Amanda became pregnant, however, he was glad for the child, and treated that child almost like a normal person. That child ended up saving them all.
So Michelle/Lily, the one with the strongest sense of herself and her own divinity, is the one who drove the abuser completely insane with rage. Because again, he never broke her. She broke him, with her rock-solid, unwavering Taurus. To make a woman with all that Taurus live in squalor, in any sort of discomfort, is brutal abuse even without the actual beatings and rapes. Just the bad smells, the uncomfortable bedding, the rotten food and stifling air. Making her live with any kind of mess around is its own torture for someone with this Taurus. She’s all about her physical space, her awareness of her life.
So that’s the short form.
I know about a lot of things that I have little information about, especially when it comes to the sexual sadism so often perpetrated against women and children. For example, I know there’s a woman named Jaycee Dugard, and I sort of know what happened to her. But her situation happened when I couldn’t cope with knowing about it. I knew about the Cleveland kidnappings. I cried literal tears of joy every time I thought about Amanda Berry running into that neighbor’s arms for years, still do sometimes. But I couldn’t know much of anything about it. That hit me too close to home. My own mental health is really fragile. I couldn’t eat for a week after Trayvon Martin was murdered.
I spent most of my time from 1972 until — well, I’m still fighting it actually — regretting my decision not to stay dead when I was murdered by, among others, Joe Kalady in 1972. I am coming around to being very glad I did survive, like turning the corner from surviving to thriving, over the last year.
The Winner is something I recently did to knit together the disparity between the child who died in 1972 and the woman who resulted when she refused to stay dead, aka me, who I am now. This piece was the beginning of me being glad I went to the trouble of surviving.
I hadn’t intended to include a Claddagh, the traditional wedding ring given within my mother’s culture. The hands represent friendship, the heart love, and the crown loyalty. So Irish people give such rings to each other, sometimes to a close family member or loved one. (If it’s a wedding ring, the heart points in toward the wearer. If a friendship ring, the heart points out.) Anyway it was really important for me to suddenly see that in my finished piece, that I had inadvertently given that to myself. I hadn’t realized how much I blamed the victimized part of myself for what happened to me. I actually had to rip out and re-stitch quite a lot, because my intentions about it changed so much in the process. Michelle/Lily is quite aspirational for me in this regard. She has what I need.
I didn’t know that at the time, I just felt like I could watch the Lifetime movie about it, and am really glad I did. The extent to which they showed details, which I know are true and not inserted for shock value, really freed me from a lot of shame. I couldn’t watch all of it, I mostly listened and occasionally looked at the screen. (I really like Raymond Cruz, who reminds me a lot of the man in my life. So I actually didn’t want to see him and almost didn’t see his face.) But I got all the way through it. Like my personal demon, Michelle’s tormenter is dead, and the world is a better place now.
Another thing that has kept me from talking a lot about my experiences is that I don’t want to offer it up as porn. I know that there were those who watched that movie and loved it in all the wrong ways. But the greatness of Michelle has made it obvious how unimportant that is. They really don’t matter at all, as long as they don’t have access to women or children.
At the time the Cleveland women escaped, I was thrilled, overcome with joy for them. I started listening to their stories. One of the first bits of information I saw was something that shut me down from going further, because it grounded my own fragmented memories to my reality. A lot of what happened to me is a blur, partly because I was choked out and then moved a lot. So I’d come to in a different place with a different person on top of me. He’d see my eyes open and choke me out again. The whole thing is like a smashed mirror.
I remember reading that the first thing he did when he got Michelle trapped was to hogtie her and suspend her from the wall. That was something I believed Joe Kalady had done to me, too. I had a lot of memories just like that, where I could recall something happening, like how it looked and felt, but somehow not believe in it, as though it were a movie I saw with myself in it, but had never acted in. This threw my entire life out of whack. As soon as I saw one of them reporting something I also remembered, the whole thing slammed shut in my head for processing. I got through it by watching the above-linked movie.
I was glad I did watch that part of the movie, because it helped me understand both of our experiences better. It helped me validate that yes, that did happen to me. It’s not only possible, it’s a thing with these guys. I had felt like it was so hard to breathe while I was suspended that it couldn’t be true. By considering this subject, writing this post, I realized that the flashbacks where I wake up right before they hoist me, that’s because I kept passing out so they had to let me down to keep me alive. I suspect that my significant orthopedic problems may be related to how excruciatingly painful that was.
I knew Michelle was telling the truth, and she said he left the house with her tied like that. I didn’t see how it was possible. (1) Joe didn’t have the cord around my throat, but a longer piece of bedsheet going from my mouth to my wrists and ankles. And (2) in the movie Michelle was suspended with her waist supported, so she could breathe. Big differences. I would not have survived being left like that for hours without being let down.
There were a lot of reflections in Michelle’s story that align with my own situation, much more than the other two survivors, Amanda Berry and Gina Dejesus. One of the worst parts of the movie for me (and the part I could not watch at all, and went in the other room for a minute) was about Michelle’s home life and the way he bludgeoned her with the pain of that.
I’m struck by how much more I hate Michelle’s mother than Michelle does. That’s why I’m doing this chart. I need to see what an angel actually looks like. This is the largest person I have ever known of in my lifetime.
One of the best life tools I’ve ever been given is the idea of “act as if.” When I see someone who has something I want, I notice that what I want is possible for other people. Then I have to ask, why not me? What would I need to change? That’s usually not something I quite know how to do.
And in watching a few interviews with Michelle, I see that she definitely has something I want. She first of all has many more “minutes in the ring” than I do. That may sound odd to people who have never been physically assaulted. But every second feels like a day when you’re bound and gagged. I’m often able to tell by listening how many minutes someone has in the ring. This is especially so when it’s a very low number, like zero, someone whose humanity has always been respected. I have met a lot of people with much more abuse history than mine, many times. But they’re usually not so high-functioning. So it’s wonderful to not be the biggest adult in the room anymore, because there is Lily. She is also much less bitter and depressed than I am, clearly. She’s my role model for the person I’d like to be. And honestly I’m not too far off. The same things I respect in Lily are true of me, also. Just much more with her.
Understand, gentle reader, that this woman’s privacy has been violated in ways that are inestimable. So I have no intention of exposing anything but the greatness of her. There is no claim of fairness or balance here. I explain people either because I love or dislike them so much that I’m fascinated. I do it for my own learning, because I need to. Let’s look at Michelle’s chart. (From here on out I’m going to call her Lily. She’s asked people to call her that now, and I’m all in favor of her being exactly who she wants. So don’t be confused, Michelle is Lily.)
The first thing I look for in a chart is the Sun. Just as everything revolves around the Sun in our solar system, so does the entire life revolve around certain ideas that the soul comes here to explore. The Sun, and its condition in the chart, are the logical place to begin. And Lily’s Sun explains a lot about who she is, and why and how she survived.
Lily has the Sun early in Taurus, and in a stellium of personal planets. A stellium is any group of several conjunct planets, or planets in the same sign. Any planet within 8 degrees of the Sun is obscured within its massive corona. Those parts of the personality become cooked into the sauce, so to speak.
Then there are different subsets of planets and other influences. If you start at the Sun, again, the fastest moving planets, closest to the Sun, are Mercury, Venus, Moon, and Mars. All of those planets (but the Moon) are right there in the corona in Lily’s chart. So that’s part of the difference between us: Lily has a very, very strong sense of herself, of who she is as a human being, and of her own worth. I, on the other hand, have a 12th-house Sun, with lots of other depressing stuff like the Moon conjunct Saturn. Very poor self-image.
Lily has quite the opposite situation. This is someone who is very aware of and comfortable with both her passive and active qualities, who identifies very much with her thoughts, and feels a very strong sense of purpose to her existence.
A robust Sun often leads to an enormously arrogant and narcissistic person, who believes the entire world revolves around them. Lily had no such luxury, of developing such traits. One of the things that helps me really identify with her in particular is how closely her dynamics mirrored my own, both before and after the abuse. So her process tracks to mine in a way that other survivors’ don’t. And frankly, of all the three women, Lily suffered the most and has been the most gracious about it all. I love that she’s not bitter about the other two cutting off contact with her. That’s one of the huge things about her that I am “acting as if.” I manage that same level of forgiveness in abandonment sometimes. I’ve done so recently.
But my feelings on that whole thing are super complicated, again mirroring my own life. I hate that Lily is a painful reminder, rather than a person, a treasured new family member that they would never have gotten otherwise. I hate that the people who had supporters kicked her to the curb by herself. I know, it’s complicated. I’m not judging them. I wish none of it had happened to any of them. It just triggers my own shit. The more painful my life was, the less people wanted to know about me. People just have no idea. I don’t know how people like me and Lily become invisible.
The lifetime movie was really well-crafted, with a lot of “show, not tell.” So the parallels between Lily’s mother and mine became immediately clear. How painful it was in the movie that her mother only cared about her good time, like my mother. The only reason Child Protective Services was involved with her son was because her mother allowed a boyfriend to abuse the child while Lily was looking for work, of course having no other resources for childcare. Like me, she was born in a socioeconomic checkmate. But again, hers was worse.
One of the things her abuser tormented her with was the fact that nobody cared that she was missing. Nobody was looking for her. They assumed she blew her son off the same way her mother blew her off, only the most logical thing. His sadism was really non-stop, utterly vicious in his need for cruelty. And Lily is a tiny little cupcake of a girl, like she sits on one of my shoulders telling me to do good things and Natalia Veselnitskaya sits on the other shoulder with a pitchfork.
I imagine that when such people have someone captive, that’s a given. You taunt them with the idea of hopelessness, reinforce despair. It’s gut-wrenching to know for sure he did that, over and over, and that she knew it was true. Again, this is much harder on my shit apparently than it is on Lily’s. Her strength amazes me.
I truly have no words for how awed I am by her grace, her ability to be kind and positive while everyone in her life rains blows down on her. People seem to love kicking her while she’s down — though that seems to have changed. She recently got married. I can’t wait to read her new book, Life After Darkness. She doesn’t seem to have the same stained, trashed feeling that I’m so sick of. That’s what I want. I want to act as if, and have that instead. I’m really grateful for her, though of course it’s logical to be as happy as you can, that’s the best revenge. It can be hard to see how to get there from here.
Anyway the parallel between Lily’s mom and mine, the complete failure of parental responsibility, was stark. Another big difference between Lily’s situation and mine is that she was dramatically rescued. So she automatically got validated in her experience, despite her mom’s dismissal. People do know and understand what happened to her enough that she can just write a book and people get that they want to read it, she has something valuable to say.
My mom didn’t want to divert attention away from herself enough to deal with the fact that I had been trafficked by Kalady, a friend of my father’s. Once she realized he had stolen (and sold) all my underwear, she ended contact. As far as she was concerned there was nothing else to discuss. She had no follow-up questions and has no idea what actually happened to me. Like Lily, I had to be my own adult from a very early age. She mentions that her prior familial history sort of prepared her to deal with her abuser, more so than the other two, who were from loving, supportive homes.
Lily says that her son was the only thing that kept her going, and I think that’s obvious. So I was devastated to discover that the foster parents took such a hard line with her. For those who may not know the story, when she was rescued she was told that the adoptive parents wanted no contact with her at all, to shelter the boy from the truth of his mother’s life. While I can understand that urge on the one hand, I’m sick of people thinking that the only way to deal with this sort of thing is to block the victim out of your mind. That’s why I’ve lived my entire life on society’s margin, no country of my own.
In Lily’s chart we see a few interesting things that leap right out. For one, she has Ceres the Earth Mother conjunct Nessus the Wife Beater in Cancer, the sign of hearth and home, the childhood and family home. This speaks to the reason CPS was involved with her son; Lily’s mother had a boyfriend who abused the child. So just as that very strong sense of self occurs naturally with the stellium around the Sun, so Lily has a perfect storm for the kind of abusive upbringing she experienced.
Nessus the Abuser has a counterpart, Dejanira the Victim. Lily has a similarly telling configuration there, with Dejanira conjunct both Neptune and the Moon. That little cluster of factors is happening in Sagittarius, the upbeat, happy-go-lucky adventurer sign ruled by Jupiter. So that’s another key difference in making Lily a lighter-hearted gal than me to begin with. Even if I hadn’t experienced as much abuse as I did, I would still be prone to major depression, and probably still quite high on the autistic spectrum, probably due to my Mercury bandwidth.
Lily has Ceres and Nessus conjunct in Cancer, ruled by the Moon. Based on the overall play of her life, where her mom is a huge abusive loser, and Lily jettisoned her and went on to be happy, I will say that her Neptune/Moon is in great condition. Lily really is as advertised, a truly graceful person.
Because of her overall internal fortitude, I can say that the benefits of Jupiter/Sagittarius have greatly helped Lily in her ability to connect with her true self and feel the reality of that very strongly. This is a large part of her ability to bubble up when they push her down.
So Lily is lighter-hearted in general with the Jupiter Moon and Neptune. Neptune is about our connection to our higher selves, the divine part of ourselves that instinctively knows the difference between good touch and bad touch even at a very young age. Neptune’s coin of the realm is intuition. Neptune is about the higher self because it represents the point at which each individual merges into the whole. No man is an island, no matter how it feels. We are all fingers on the same hand. Neptune is where people either feel that or don’t.
Then the Moon is the emotional self, the other place where we look for intuition. Just as Neptune rules the oceans and the point where everything dissolves in the murky abyss, the Moon controls the tides on the surface. So those two work very well together, especially when they’re conjunct as they are here. Intuition is felt in the body, in the emotional self, which is ruled by the Moon. Any time you have an emotion and a corresponding physical sensation, you’re getting a message from your core. That’s Neptune bouncing a message to the Moon. Lily is like a shortwave radio for that sort of thing, a very wide-open antenna for spirit. I’m sure that’s how she survived.
Again, I give this same caution all the time: any chart feature can be applied either positively or negatively by the native at any time, due to free will always being a factor. Lily has some heavy chart factors, described above. It’s refreshing to do a chart of someone who has shown a high degree of leadership and personal integrity for a change. I can confidently say that this native shows a high degree of personal evolution. And because I see so many commonalities between how Lily has responded and how I have, it makes me feel good about the person I’ve become, despite it all.
Another really interesting chart feature here, and undoubtedly a big part of her personal firepower, is that Lily has Pluto conjunct Spica. Spica, as has recently been discussed, is a truly blessed fixed star. Spica can be thought of as God’s spotlight. It stands between Earth and Arcturus, heaven ‘s gate. Spica illuminates the native, sort of like a halo. Those who use this connection badly, well, they’re in God’s spotlight. Breaching your integrity here usually doesn’t go well. Lily is a nice example of someone not screwing that up, using it for the good of us all — just as any tough placement is meant to do.
The tough thing about this Spica placement is Pluto. Pluto, as I’ve discussed many times, is the Devil. Because of its physical location at what we think of as the outer limits of our solar system, Pluto represents things that are beyond the pale, beyond the point of no return. In mythology, Pluto was the one who ripped a hole in the Earth so he could abduct the child Persephone and drag her into hell. Ceres, Persephone’s mother, charged into hell to retrieve the girl. That story is quite on the nose for both me and Lily, except for the glaring part where neither of our mothers cared what happened to us.
It seems to me that if your mother doesn’t care about you, it’s very hard to get society to even see you. A strong mother, even if greatly disadvantaged, makes all the difference. That’s just one of the things I’ve learned via Lily. Again it validates my experience.
But the way I read her Pluto/Spica, Lily is one who came here to bring the light of joy to hell on Earth. As they say, “sunlight is the best antiseptic,” and that’s a good description of this chart. If you look at the squalid hellhole she was shackled up in, even aside from the beatings, rape, and psychological torture, just the physical reflection of her ordeal is shown here with Pluto on Spica. Into the worst, filthiest, darkest corner of evil, God’s spotlight can shine — if someone is willing to carry it there. That makes me feel so much better about my own life. See how quickly the whole “act as if” thing works? I saw Lily do it. I noticed I am doing it too. That feeling doubles inside me, pow. Again, it’s lovely to see someone using something like this to be a powerful healer, rather than getting famous by being extremely awful.
I started out talking about Lily’s powerhouse Sun, and didn’t even get to the main ruler of the chart, Venus. Lily’s Sun in Taurus is ruled by Venus, the Goddess of Love. Lily is obviously charming, a people person. In Taurus, Venus can be very lazy and selfish. She has the best taste, and wants everything to be as comfortable as possible for herself and her family. Lily is into cooking, among other things, and this fits perfectly with her Taurus stellium. This is a woman who, like Melania Trump, lives through the other people in her world, and expects to be treated like a queen. Especially with her very strong Sun stellium, this is pronounced. Lily was really born with an awareness of her own goodness that I have never felt.
The Venus rulership makes her charming, protective of her loved ones, and a hedonist at heart. Especially with Venus right there in her own headquarters of Taurus, Lily is a very girly girl, one who was born to be pampered. This is the paradox of her life experience. Venus in Taurus, even without the stellium, is a girl who really needs both a personal assistant and a masseuse who comes to the house daily. To think that animal threw her down the stairs.
Lily’s pronounced Venus was undoubtedly part of what triggered her abuser. I’m going to post his chart here, just so we can look at the connections.
A few things pop out at me here. I was sure there would be a runaway Pluto situation with this guy, due to the similarities to Persephone. No, his Pluto is in Virgo, where Mercury keeps it all in the head. Mercury in Pluto doesn’t shackle women to the wall. That’s about the secrets and head games.
Lily’s abuser had a couple of marked problems: (1) Nessus the Abuser conjunct Algol the Blinking Demon; (2) Toro the Raging Bull conjunct the North Node; and the biggies, (3) Mars and Moon T-square apices.
The T-squares are the red triangles, representing major friction points within the native. This person is very unbalanced, and has two extreme pressure points: Mars and the Moon. As discussed above, the Moon is about the moods, feelings, and gut responses. So this person had extreme ups and downs. The Moon is also a reflected light, only able to shine in relation to the Sun. In this way she represents our shadow, the parts of ourselves we can’t fully explain or control, like dreams.
So when the Moon goes bad, as it has with this abuser, personal failings are projected onto other people. Whenever the individual felt bad about himself — which should be all the time, obviously — he needed to blame someone else and punish them for it. That was the role Lily played for him. Even among his captives, he had a scapegoat and a golden child. When Lily got pregnant several times, he beat her until she lost the children. When Amanda got pregnant, he was excited to be a father. He then treated that child better than the captives, taking her out to the park, etc. That’s how they eventually got free. But it’s telling to me that he deprived Lily of her motherhood over and over and over again, and now the other two have rejected her from their lives. It hurts me a lot.
While Lily’s physical ordeal was 10+ years, mine was probably not more than 6 or 8 weekends on a boat, with weekdays off, mere neglect in between. I wasn’t beaten by my family, don’t know if Lily was. I was just ignored and scapegoated.
It was a little staggering for me to notice the direct similarities between her mother and mine. One of the things her mom said in the movie was something my mom said to me any time I questioned her ability/willingness to provide some basic necessity: I kept you alive this long, didn’t I? My mom has no idea that I had a near-death experience, that the only reason I’m still alive is because I insisted on it. She never had one single follow-up question about any of it. The whole thing was way too upsetting for her to discuss, go figure.
The part of the movie where Lily offered herself instead of the very young Gina, a virgin screaming for her mother, was also reflective for me. I also tried to shield other children, as if I could. I also sometimes focused on the suffering of others even while receiving much worse treatment, right in the same moment. I have never felt like that was a virtue on my part, merely confusion because I was so young and so overwhelmed. But Lily chose that name because lilies are pure of heart. And I really am too, despite how angry I get sometimes and how much I swear. I have forgiven a lot of people for truly despicable things they’re not sorry for.
Anyway with Lily’s turbocharged Venus, of course she drove her abuser mad. He has a very angry Mars, the God of War. The thing about Venus and Mars, their symbols are the glyphs for male and female gender representation, the old Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. With his raging Mars, and her raging Venus, he found her irresistible. Especially with her tiny frame and thick glasses, she was so perfectly vulnerable that he had to have her.
In the chart of John Bittrolff I noticed that Mars gave him an inordinate amount of physical energy. Bittrolff is not a huge guy physically, like Lily’s abuser. But he had raging Pluto and Saturn, just as I would expect to see in a convicted murderer. In his chart, I saw how different it would be to live in a male body. It’s hard for me to empathize with the way men feel about sex. Wrapping my head around male sexuality has been one of the biggest challenges of my life, actually.
Anyway with Bittrolff I saw how he had an enormous physical need to lash out. With Lily’s abuser and his terrible moods, and his tendency to blame somebody else every time he feels bad, that Mars makes sense. Saturn the Punisher is in raging opposition to the abuser’s Sun. With his broken Moon, he will want to punish whoever makes him feel so bad, in no uncertain terms.
When looking at Jane and John Doe, Venus and Mars stand in for the male and female human body. In the movie about this kidnapping, friends ask the abuser why he’s in such a great mood. He says, “Sex on a shelf, man!” This makes no sense to me, and maybe not to them either, so they didn’t follow up. But the idea of having a bottomless well of vagina, just available for the taking, had to be very appealing to this individual. That’s the raging Mars thing. Amanda said he raped her multiple times each day. I can only assume he made the rounds. In other words, this is a guy who used to masturbate a dozen times a day, and came up with a system he liked much better.
After watching the movie I was struck by how unnecessary it all seems. It occurs to me that there was a way this guy could have gotten just so much love, so much validation from Lily, that she would have made all his dreams come true. In one of her interviews she remarked that she got in the van with him because she literally didn’t know where she was going that day. It was more important than anything (the appointment with the social worker so she could keep her son), and she had no idea how to get there.
Had the abuser not had that sick need to lash out, probably caused mostly by the contact between Nessus the Wife Beater and fixed star Algol, he could’ve charmed her and the baby into moving in with him. She could’ve fixed his place up great, and he could’ve helped her raise the child. But no, he had to go this other route. I don’t get it, I just don’t.
And that struck me so much, because with my Moon-ruled chart I see my reflections in other people all the time, too. However even with the horrible T-square and Saturn in my Moon, I am a much more highly evolved individual than the abuser. So I see things in others and hold myself accountable, rather than the other way around. This is again an example of how any factor can be used for positive or negative ends, as you wish.
Here’s Lily’s chart again, to cleanse the palate.
Look at all that lovely flow, all those harmonious blue lines from Neptune and the Moon to the Sun stellium. With the Sun, as I said above about the corona, things are sort of cooked into the sauce in a way that the native probably doesn’t notice. Similarly, those blue lines represent flowing grace that sustained Lily through a decade-long onslaught, directed at her very personally, enforced by constant torture. This individual has a very strong sense of her own divinity, and it brought out the devil in him in the worst way.
With that Dejanira conjunction to Neptune and the Moon, you could have one who is the world’s largest victim. Where Neptune is afflicted, you may look for substance abuse. Lily has discussed that she had some alcohol issues after being rescued. But I suspect that was not so much alcoholism (with her strong Neptune) but a simple coping/learning phase she needed to pass through. Think about it, how many drinks would you want to have after what she went through?
Note that Lily has Jupiter flanked by Saturn and Toro the Raging Bull – which her abuser has conjunct his North Node. Jupiter is again a key player in Lily’s chart, ruling Neptune and the Moon. Jupiter and the chart’s ruler, Venus, are generally supportive of each other, and play nicely in the sand box together. The North Node is a perfected spot in any chart, the karmic end point of the life experience. This is who or at least where the individual will be at death, with the South Node representing the opposite, that point for the birth.
Lily’s North Node is early in Leo — the only sign ruled by the Sun, which is again turbocharged in this chart, co-ruling with Venus. In other words, Lily was born to always know exactly who she is, no matter what. And she has done that in a way that blows me away.
The thing about that Jupiter/Saturn/Toro situation, it’s inconjunct the Sun cluster, those dashed green lines. That’s a reflection, in my opinion, of the punishment dealt out to Lily by her abuser due to his Moon problems, discussed above. But the reason he never broke her, never overcame her rock-solid Neptune sense of self, and the reason he abused her so much worse than the others, was Jupiter. Jupiter is about being the bigshot. And her abuser wanted to be the bigshot, the one who gets to decide. He hated that he couldn’t get her dancing to his tune. She just infuriated him with her goodness and her ability to resist him no matter what he did. She refused to become a person who would hit him in the head with a frying pan. That’s where I’m very different from Lily. I definitely would have crushed his skull, with glee. I have Mars and Nessus on Aldebaran, also at a T-square apex, like this perpetrator. My heart can be just as ugly.
Anyway the inconjuncts from Saturn and Jupiter to her Sun complex represent his desire to punish and redirect her expansive sense of self, and the rage he must have felt at not being able to. As seen with John Bittrolff, Saturn is the Punisher. Having this redirection from Venus in Lily’s chart creates an opening for the sort of misdirected punishment she experienced. Her bubbling, unstoppable Sagittarius Moon must have infuriated him.
It’s a little hard to see exactly, but I believe that is an actual yod to Uranus, that other green dashed line. That should be redirecting both Mars and the Sun, exacerbating the sexual violence, by coming across weird and defiant to him, having a personality he can’t accept or get his miserable head around. She made him completely insane, I’m sure. That’s why she got treated worse. Same with me and my mom.
Uranus is about “I gotta be me.” That insistence on holding on to your own viewpoint even if it alienates you from the entire rest of the world, that’s something that also probably enraged her attacker. It would make her seem weird, hard to understand.
The last thing I want to note about Lily’s chart is her Vesta. Lily has Vesta the True Believer just a degree or two out of orb for fixed star Regulus. Regulus is one of those high-voltage influences that makes or breaks people, like Harvey Weinstein. I don’t see any of the hubris in Lily that we would see with a strong Regulus native. Vesta is about that which we would kill or die for. Lily is not one to take a hard stand on anything but her own humanity.
It’s interesting to me that Vesta is so close to Regulus in a native with so much proven integrity. But ultimately I’m not sure the contact is there. I suspect this native may be in touch with her own sense of royalty with her Sun and Neptune, and the challenges she’s been through. She said she chose the name Lily because she’s pure of heart. And that’s what I am taking from her, the willingness to see myself as blameless too.